Incomplete: The River

I fell in love with the sound of the river
So I swam in love with the current pushing me away
I just wanted to fall in love,
I loved the sound of it all, didn’t I?

I was so far away before I found rock bottom
And through the trees all I could see was tunnels

To find the truth,
Dig deeper; well below the surface

I heard you were lovely
But I never thought you would love me,
I heard your songs,
So I dove in

“Wardrobes”

…the sunset. That’s what she called him. Because he was the darkness that evaded us.

“Do you even know what we want?” She shouted at me while I was washing the stove off. “We want distance” we are apoplectic next to the other. 

… the cold wet steps from the length of the shower to the bedroom, every steamy step met the floor in it’s own place. Sometimes getting put in an inescapable position can really hurt some one. 

We all look for wardrobes. Somewhere we can find another world in, even if it is just momentary. We could all go far with our heart. Love, is all i wan. 

She took a diamond ring, that was how I convinced her.

She stopped following me… sooner than later. She walked away, escaped, this was the one I knew would stay.

I couldn’t learn how to forgive myself, that was the worst. I couldn’t take one step in front of the other to see how broken the nest really was, and there probably not anyone there by his side.

Not tonight.

She thinks she was broke…

She was wrong… we were broken. 

As if the fluctuating of our pulses will find us home, our melody was silent, but sang to the highest heavens.

The idea that was you walking back. 

She will break you. The same way she broke me.

In Your Absence

In your absence,
I’ve finally become fond of myself again

In Your Absence

A place in the heart,
May forever be
A place where our love was
All of the nights gone by won’t be the forgotten ones

Exposed,
Cold lies to the truth
A forgotten face,
Forgot how to live in this broken place

Halls trace my bitterness,
Sleep still haunts me

I’ve become the lion in the cage,
As I’m surrounded,
Surrender
Forgot how to leave this broken place

In your absence,
I’ve grown apart from myself
I don’t even blame you anymore

In your absence I’ve found the silence deafening
How could she ever know?
That I was the reason that you had to go

Stockholm,
I’m not locking you up
But I’m locking down

I fall in love with every stranger I see now
Thinking that they will always be the ones to hurt me
Hoping that the ones I know will never be the ones to go

A place in the world,
I’ve buried my fears of living through self control
Holes of our halves

And I think I’m the crazy one

In your absence,
I’ve finally become fond of myself again
In this void,
I’ve finally found myself again
Living in the fear of never seeing you again

And how somehow that would hurt less

But in your absence
I’ve grown fonder,
I’ve gone longer,
Become a better man
And a better father
I gave myself another chance
Standing strong at a taller stance
Forgiven myself and forgiven others

In your absence I’ve become lost again
But I found my way up,
And I let go of the pictures of you
I’ve let go of the the things that we had

For me it wasn’t easy
Because of you, I’ve become me

Untitled #15

I walked these streets,
Looking for the cracks I tripped on as a kid
To find it’s all been replaced
It’s what we’ve been moving on

Unfamiliar sounds of ghosts
I said I was never scared,
Never free
Body plays host

I don’t recognize you anymore
Now I just see a shadow, with a frame that has become shallow,
of the person I thought I knew

Are we all still the same?
Or have we become two totally different people?
Save me the sunset
I want to see the other side of the world

From fear I see the trees that are no longer
We carved our way through the streets
To find they’ve all been replaced
Not even close to home

Are we still the same?
Do you ever feel this way?
Cause I’d save the sunset, for you

I want to see the other side of the world,
So hold on tight because we’re gonna go

And if you’re wondering, I’m waiting for you

Fourth and Long

Felt the rain, cold… whispering… tapping me on the shoulder again…

The wind left her there. A park bench flipped over… over her. A tailwind came and went. Vision disabled. X number of day pass. X number of nights pass. Eventually we become the feet.

We become the rain… whispering… sad like lost puppies… never to find home…

The sulfur and fire consumed the vile. A path was left from your upcoming. Can’t wave you back. I remember a number of times I tried breathing.

SILENCE. SCREAMS. DESPAIR. Abolishment. Threaded loose. SUIT TO BE TIED.

Replace. The echoes counted us in to the three pace. For metronomes call us wild. The wild sights of living like you look you do. I played my part.

I easily walked the part.

But I failed to let go.

The funny thing is you think LETTING GO IS THE BEGINING OF THE PAIN. That once you drop, your hands will swell. That you lose all ability to touch.

Because you forget about gravity. Because letting go is just the start.

Soft White

I wrote this based on a dream. How sometimes people you love truly aren’t replaceable.

… she sat there. Didn’t know a name. Just sat there. Arms folded over not looking for what was coming. Didn’t know the way it felt.

It wasn’t even really her fault. Sometimes the heart and the brain forget that she was to be forgotten. After she had left, she came back. Just for one night.

It wasn’t her body, just her spirit. And she told me that love cannot be replaced. That love could never be forgotten. I had, until my heart reminded me.

Seems to me that it’s the only part you can’t control. Because it’s out of reach.

The violet colored dress, covered in tulips. I didn’t forget. I didn’t want to. Eyes like hers, they were golden, silver and blue. Hands covered in a frail, soft white.

I couldn’t describe the pain. She was gone. For good. I had to forget.

…she sat there. Didn’t see my face. Just sat there. Hands covering her face and didn’t see what was coming. Didn’t know the way I felt.

It wasn’t even my fault. Sometimes the heart cannot be controlled, because the brain cannot let her go. After she had left, I remembered, for one night who I was.

It wasn’t my favorite songs, just the guitar swinging by my ears. And I heard that love can never be forgotten. I had, until my mind reminded me.

The depth of blues I saw in her shoes, with scarlet bows. I didn’t forget. I didn’t want to. Hair so soft and in a light brunette, too. Hands covered by mine, soft white.

I couldn’t describe the pain, when I realized it was you

While They’re Looking

She doesn’t see past his sun bright eyes,
The mirror in all reflections shines the light
So don’t tell her why I’m passing by
The winter snows I chase in the night

Miracles aren’t supposed to just happen,
Explain to me why you are my lesson
So don’t find the fog in the bay,
These winter showers won’t make us stay

Do everything you can while they’re looking,
Because you’ll find that nothing lasts forever
And if promises meant anything,
Than you would have stayed

She hears the words through ricochet
And feels the things that you meant to say
You’ll never be the man you said you’d be
But you’ll always be better off than me

Smile like the dentists won’t remove your lungs
Do everything you can while you sit in the chair
These falling leaves don’t mean anything
They never meant anything to me

She doesn’t see past his cold hands,
The reflection in the hall reminded her to breathe,
So don’t tell her why I can’t stand
The summer rain is making me leave

Do everything you can while they’re looking
Because someday they’ll be too far away,
And if promises meant anything,
Than you would stay

Back to You

Chosen away from the fears I had from falling in love again,
Walking away and turning the tides waiting for the moon to lose its ever present pull,
I was a fool for you,
Made broken bets on bitter chips,
Gambling on wages that never quite existed
I couldn’t afford to lose, I couldn’t afford to lose you

The most honest thing I ever said to you was that my cataclysm was spawned by your lack of emotion,
Lack in motion kept us from going anywhere
I watch a million people pass us by,
Happy and content with where their path may lead
They say broken hearts won’t ever make the same noise
That broken is defects proving character
So, book my love for the movies

Chalk outlines walk this city,
And by definition, you have nothing left to define
For you’ve shown them the light by breaking the word
However broken that may be
Yesterday means nothing to a guy like me

Everybody wants a hero, but nobody wants to be saved
Maybe that is just because fear lives in the heart,
Pain lives in the lungs,
Love lives in the hands,
I’m chasing what is on my mind,
Thoughts that want to bring me back to you

The Sensible Sensitivity in Sensing Something’s Wrong

A world painted in black and white,
Nights long fears, shades slip away from light
Distilled and brewed,
Broken and bruised
Silence carries letters various and unknown

A face painted in hate spilled
Heart lost in fate filled
Twins screaming we don’t look the same
As glass breaks we all feel that pain

Sensible words, lost in radio noise
Across the sky, signals intercept
Distorted and disturbed,
Moved and planted
Silence carries noises away from trembling lips

A face painted in fear filled
Minds vacant of far away memories
And the days that once made us
As our hearts sink we all feel the pain

Something’s wrong,
But none of us can sense it
What would the sensitively phrased say?
Where the sidewalk ends,
Could we make it past the side?

The Story Behind My First Tattoo

I was attending college for Graphic Design in 2007 and had been getting back into drawing. As my friends will tell you I was nicknamed “Mr. Hot N Now” as I would always wear my work shirt to school and well… was one of the few people who actually worked there.

A friend of mine and my boss at the time Jeremy had just gotten another tattoo and after spending years of drawing all over my arms; all of which against my parents wishes; I finally cracked.

I spent several months drawing out pieces of a tattoo I had in my mind. Different concepts. As I was only 18, I was always a lover, always desiring to be a real man. I wanted to tell people who I was with just one piece of art. Who I wanted to be. Who I was afraid of becoming.

Then one cold March night I did it.

I took all of my drawings into work and had Jeremy call up a guy I will forever only know as “Tatt”. As we got the work done I was nervous.

But what did this whole thing mean to me Tatt asked. And I described the whole thing to him. And it goes like this.

The Sword
A sword is strong, dangerous. Not to be played with. To only be handled by those who care about them. They come in different forms; shapes, sizes, hilts. Some, while thin can cut through the wind with little effort while those that are with a wider blade take more effort. However, no matter the make, they all get damaged with every strike. With every touch against another. Sometimes they break. I was afraid of being someone who hurt others or was used to hurt. At the base of the hilt there is a skull.

Some people don’t believe me when I say this; in fact I’ve been scoffed at several times for this. But to me, beauty is only skin deep. I truly believe that we have to find out who people are and only by removing the first barrier we see can we expose that. I’ve said it to hundreds of people, but one of the things I can attest to is the sheer ignorance; the ability to quickly misjudge and be belligerent; of others. I get asked for my heritage, lineage, nationality, ethnicity and everything else all the time and as soon as people ask me that the first thing I ask them is what do they think I am. It might be a curious question but I feel I get the same answer and reaction when I give them the answer. So to me, the skull is a single symbol of understanding that people are not who you immediately think they are.

firsttattoo

To the hilt, an odd vertebra lines up to a “S” representing me. My views. To the left and right are bones; almost representing arms, one holding up a star and the other a heart.

I can only describe this as my first realization of wanting to be a husband, a father. My dad was almost all of my life a husband. He was also of course my father. He tried his best to provide for me and my siblings. At the time of the divorce, I was crushed. I didn’t know how hard things were for him because I was so young. But he worked a lot, and went to school. Though Michigan was a lot different from Louisiana with his long term journeys, I still knew that he was giving it everything. And respectfully my mom did too. And when Debbie and Jessica came in to our lives, I think the man I grew up to be was greatly shaped by them. Now, I’ll take this opportunity to say I am still far from the man I want to be, but I also know that I can only become a better one.

The heart represented family; love. The star represented power; work; money. I never wanted to be driven away from my family for more than I needed but I also wanted to support my family. I envisioned a teeter totter, a scale, balancing both parts, family and work.

Unfortunately, I haven’t fully realized that dream. But I am fortunate that I can and do pay child support for Chloe, along with other things. I see her every week and make sure that we have special moments every chance we can. But it’s not easy. I don’t like only seeing her for the time I do; but until everything shifts into full gear where I don’t have to work as much as I do I don’t know that I will ever get there.

The heart represented family; love. The star represented power; work; money.

As we go down to the blade, we see it has a dark and light side. As I saw it and still do, we all have good and bad parts to us. We all have to determine how to be the best people we possibly can. The dark side of all of our souls are parts of ghosts, resonating memories that keep to their clutch.

The sword represented who I wanted to be, who I didn’t want to be; all in one. All in all, I never wanted to be the source of someone else’s pain.

But the tree, the tree represented so much too.

A tree grows up, gets bigger with age and eventually dies. The problem with trees… well, they don’t go anywhere. They live one life. Feet planted in and only hope to be cared for by those who need it. But trees not going anywhere is also a promise to those I love. That I won’t go anywhere. That I will always be there and that they will always be able to find me.

As with swords being different sizes, shapes; trees come in a slew of types. Some being so thin that with just enough wind they will snap in a storm and fall apart. Or the bigger trees that get split in half with a strike of lightning. I never want to fall apart; I said when I was eighteen. But I have. Almost once a year at this rate. And somehow it is ironic that it takes me a few months before I am back to who I was every time. Much like the trees.

On one branch, there is a snake. On the other is a heart. The snake is looking forward. To leave the past behind and continue to live the way it always has. But the snake also represents the evil I am afraid of. I try to be the best person I can be and that was something I put into the thought behind having a snake on the branch. And the heart. The heart is there to represent my desire again to be loved. I put my heart out there on the line for anyone who isn’t afraid of the past, who isn’t afraid of the fact that we are all imperfect. And in thought that if someone came along and took my heart with them it would be forever theirs to have.

And the knot that has hollowed out represents my desire to always be see through, to let people always know the real me.

And as I described all of this to him with less reminiscing, less experience, he referenced my drawings and free handed what became my first tattoo. My personal symbol of who I wanted to be.